who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂