I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Your honor these allegations are
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest