Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Lassie, get help!
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
handsome & gretel
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.