I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE