You Might Also Like
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium