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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.