Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
#oldknees
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen