Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.