corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that