My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
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*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.