A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*