God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
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[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.