My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
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New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
You’ll be OK
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.