Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Nice try, NASA
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
love pickles so much i put myself in one
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me