January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
this is the greatest thing ever
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what