Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
#CatsOnTwitter
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?