So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
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Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
This is my bus stop.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”