If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Watermelon Boss!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Wise advice
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them