[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
is this meant to deter me
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”