[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.