I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Whoa 😂
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about