there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”