[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
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NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
🙋♀️
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.