Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
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“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
how it started vs how it ended
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick