I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
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I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Eat…
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.