(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
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In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?