Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
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My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week