My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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I’m aging like a fine banana
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead