Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Sharon, call the vet
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.