Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.