Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Not all heroes wear capes….
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.