first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I’d hang this in my house.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler