sigh
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If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other