Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
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Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I had to Stop for this
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>