I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
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hi why am I like this
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.