Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
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Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!