I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
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I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.