4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
You Might Also Like
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Not today. 😅
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.