My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries