ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted