Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
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I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Mmmm. Shoeshi
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.