me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
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Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.