[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
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You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
You wish you had this many chins.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
#CatsOnTwitter
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Print is alive and well!!!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna