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4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.