Doggies just call it style.
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GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger