Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
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I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.