Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
no refunds
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
This dude got his own movie?
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card