what it’s like dating me:
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I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Crying is a sign of leakness.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Me, flirting😏
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.