Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
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Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?