Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Never forget.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.